Today, the reasons for considering marriage are no longer conventional. The social pressures of the past hardly exist any more. Everyone contemplating marriage must ask: what will this step mean for me – for us? And if we are already in a committed relationship, why get married?
Marriage—an Invisible Being Between Man and Woman
Spiritually, we are all complete; yet in taking on an earthly body, we become one-sided. The experience of gender is one of the most striking expressions of this.
In The Christian Community, we celebrate the Sacrament of Marriage for men and women. We also celebrate a blessing service for same-sex couples, who are welcomed in our communities and our priesthood with equal dignity.
When two human beings marry, an invisible being joins them. This being is neither male nor female – it belongs to the realm of the angels, where ‘there is neither man nor woman’ (Matt. 20:30). The Sacrament of Marriage is addressed to this being. It receives a kind of baptism, through which it is drawn into the living stream of Christ’s blessing upon the earth.
What am I saying ‘Yes’ to?
Christianity is always concrete: loving our neighbour – the one closest to us – can be a far greater challenge than loving humanity in the abstract. Marriage is a training in love, because our life is more closely entwined with this one human being than with anyone else.
In many forms of marriage, the couple promise to be faithful – each binds themself to the other. In The Christian Community, both bride and groom say, ‘Yes, I do’. Yet their ‘Yes’ is to their own decision to create a shared life with the other. Their ‘Yes’ affirms and strengthens their own resolve to renew their commitment again and again.
The Witnesses
Supporting a marriage carries a significance that reaches beyond the wishes and concerns of the couple themselves. The witnesses have the task of upholding the ‘Yes’ spoken by the couple – by remembering it, praying for their marriage, and, when necessary, holding up a mirror if they sense that the commitment is fading. The ‘living aid’ they promise does not necessarily mean that they will offer help directly; rather, they may encourage the couple to seek support – perhaps with a counsellor or a priest.
Rings and Sticks
Rings are exchanged. Just as the ring is worn and visible to all, marriage has an ‘outer side’ – a social reality. At the same time, every marriage needs its own enclosed inner space; otherwise, its strength is lost. This is not selfish – every relationship needs a wellspring, which must be tended so that it can remain a source of energy and renewal.
To the ring, another symbol is added: two sticks are bound together with a red ribbon and held in a diagonal cross over the couple. The sticks may be seen as an image of the inner guidance of the human being, their ‘I’. We could imagine the sticks remaining separate, which would be no relationship at all; or they could be bound parallel, which would be stifling. The red knot that connects them shows that the marriage will remain their spiritual point of contact, however much each one grows and develops.
‘Shine Before’ and ‘Follow’
Transformation and development are central Christian motifs. A fixed division of roles and responsibilities on the basis of gender cannot belong to a Christian marriage. In the Sacrament of Marriage, the couple are given a task – to enter a new dynamic with one another and with Christ.
The bridegroom is charged to ‘shine before’ the bride in the light of the Risen Christ. When thinking of any form of leadership in a Christian context, we can recall the washing of the feet in John 13, where Christ shows, in deed and in word, that to lead in his spirit is to make oneself a servant. This casts the task given to the bride – to ‘follow in the light’ – in a wholly new perspective.
Silver and Golden Weddings
The ‘Yes’ once spoken before the altar is a decision to live and renew that mutual affirmation continually. After twenty-five years (silver) and fifty years (golden), this ‘Yes’ can be renewed before the altar.
The twenty-fifth anniversary is an opportunity to pause and, like reflecting silver, look back. Often it marks a biographical turning point. Such a pause can give the strength to move consciously into the next chapter and to affirm being together once again.
After fifty years, the fruits of a shared life can be reviewed. What is lived together in the future can radiate, like sun-gold, over the couple – and for the whole of humanity.
Preparation for the Marriage
A marriage held before the altar of Christ is such an important step that it must be carefully prepared with a priest through a series of conversations over several months. The main aim of these conversations is that the couple should understand their ‘Yes’. They can then be introduced to the help and blessing that the sacrament offers, gaining insight into how to keep the marriage healthy and how to meet the challenges and crises that will inevitably arise. The witnesses should also be involved at an early stage, so that they can take up their role with understanding and conviction.
The Wedding and the Act of Consecration of Man
The Sacrament of Marriage marks the beginning of the path together in a shared life. It takes place within the wider community, before the altar. Couples who return to the altar will find that the Act of Consecration of Man nourishes and strengthens their marriage.
Written by Claudio Holland.
Edited and adapted by Tom Ravetz