Today, the question of life partnership is no longer a merely conventional one. It has become a very individual question: How will I, how will we, live out our partnership? And if we are partners, why should we get married? Marriage is no longer expected by society. What, then, could be the reasons to marry in a church?
Marriage—an Invisible Being Between Man and Woman
On earth, every human being is one-sided, for one is ‘only’ a woman or ‘only’ a man. Spiritually, we are already a complete human being; in body, soul, and life processes, most of us still experience ourselves as distinctly male or female.
When a man and woman live together, however, something invisible arises between them. This entity is neither male nor female, but human. This ‘something in between,’ which is typically called the relationship or marriage, is itself a being. One can recognize this in the fact that it has its own biography and orientation. It may be that both partners have individual difficulties, but nevertheless, the marriage itself is thriving, and vice versa.
A church wedding is about this being that exists in the relationship between two people, which, due to the way in which they complement each other, is wholly human. In a church wedding, one could say that the marriage is ‘baptized’; this being, this marriage community, connects itself with The Christian Community, which lives out of a communal seeking of Christ.
What am I saying ‘yes’ to?
Christianity, is always concrete: it is not about loving all of humanity as an abstract ideal, but about loving one’s ‘neighbour,’ which means those closest to us. A marriage can be a kind of training in love, because one lives closer to this one human being than to anyone else. In many weddings, the couple promise to be faithful–each one binds themselves to the other.
In The Christian Community, each one says ‘Yes, I do’. However, their ‘Yes’ is to their own decision to create community of life with the other one. It does not bind or fetter the other; rather, it strengthens one’s own decision to fill one’s ‘Yes’ with life ever anew. The ‘Yes’ is not intended to fix the marriage in place; it is a ‘Yes’ to communal movement together, movement that leads into the future and seeks to be ever newly enlivened.
The Witnesses
Living a marriage transcends our present time, and one is allowed to access and engage living aid. The two witnesses not only have the task of looking back and witnessing that the couple have both said ‘Yes, I do’; through their presence, the witnesses also promise that they will accompany the marriage into the future in a helpful way. They are not to interfere with the marriage but rather to support it inwardly, to pray for it, and to actively believe in it, as well as holding up a mirror if they perceive that challenges are not being addressed. Sometimes, the witnesses have the role of reminding the couple of the intention that was embodied in their ‘Yes’, and encouraging them to seek help in refinding it, perhaps through conversations, individually or together, with a priest.
Rings and Sticks
At the wedding, rings are exchanged – a very old symbol. Just as the ring is worn outwardly visible for everyday work, so too does each marriage have an ‘outer side,’ a social effect. At the same time, every marriage also needs its own enclosed inner space; otherwise, its power is lost. This is not egotistical; every relationship needs a wellspring, which must be cared for so that it can serve as a source of energy and strength.
To the ring, another symbol is added: two sticks bound together with a red ribbon and raised over the bridal pair, crossed diagonally. In the stick appears the image of the inner guidance of the human being, a picture for their ‘I.’ In the image of the crossed sticks, it is evident that two individual human beings cannot be merely parallel. They may each move in very different directions; but for their community of life, they need a spiritual point of contact.
‘Shine Before’ and ‘Follow’
Transformation and development are central Christian motifs. A fixed division of roles cannot be the content of a Christian marriage.
In a Christian Community wedding, a specific challenge is pointed out to both the man and woman: they are led into a new dynamic with one another – and with Christ. It is not a question of reviving old-fashioned gender roles; rather, it concerns how one’s own relationship to Christ shines into the relationship with the spouse.
The bridegroom is given the task of ‘shining before’ in the light of the Risen Christ. It is good to remember the lengthy instruction that Christ gave in John 13, when considering a Christian task of leadership. There, Christ makes it clear in deed and in word, that to lead in his spirit is to make oneself the servant of the other. How different would gender-relations be, if men took this message to heart!
Silver and Golden Weddings
The ‘Yes’ once spoken before the altar is the decision to live and enact the mutual affirmation ever anew. After twenty-five years (silver) and fifty years (golden), this ‘Yes’ can be renewed before the altar.
After twenty-five years, the idea is to pause and, like reflecting silver, look back. Often, this is a biographical turning point. This pause can then provide the power to consciously move toward the next chapter and to affirm being together anew.
After fifty years, the fruits of a community of life can be reviewed. What will be lived together in the future can radiate like sun-gold over both people for all of humankind.
Preparation for the Marriage
A wedding before the altar of Christ is such a special step that it should be carefully prepared with a priest through a number of conversations over a few months. These conversations have as their aim to understand the ‘Yes’, so that all concerned – couple, priest and witnesses – can believe in it when it is spoken before the altar; then, by looking at different areas of the marriage, the couple gain insight into how to keep the marriage alive and how to handle crises. Just as importantly, however, is that both the wedding couple and the priest ‘attune’ themselves to this particular wedding. While the ritual is always the same, each marriage, each community of life, is unique. The witnesses should also be drawn into the preparations early on, so that their presence is not just a formality.
The Wedding and the Act of Consecration of Man
The wedding is the beginning of a path together, a community of life. If this path is to be affirmed before the altar of Christ, it seems self-evident that it leads the couple to the altar again and again. Two people who connect their being together with the communion service, the *Act of Consecration of Man*, can not only nourish and strengthen their own marriage; they can let their new strength flow into the community that has blessed their marriage with its own spiritual power.
Other forms of relationship
We support same-sex couples wishing to mark their union within a religious context by offering a blessing service created in consultation with a priest. The sacrament of marriage in The Christian Community addresses a man and a woman and because of this it is not applicable to same-sex couples.
Written by Claudio Holland. Edited by Tom Ravetz